Much has changed since 2018. Most especially myself, and the people all around me. No big changes but tiny small ones that will add up with time. I guess that's how things move forward, taking tiny steps each time, moving forward but always in motion. Sometimes moving backwards but most of the times moving forwards, to the left, to the right, center, wavy lines, zigzag lines, but always moving forward.
Sometimes I wonder what has changed in me, but I'm not sure how to put that into words. Each season, always moving, always changing. Moving fast and moving slow. But always in movement. Sometimes I need to stop to take a breath. Stop to smell the roses or tea or coffee. To think about where I am going with what I have. I think that's it, to think about how am I going to work with what I have in that moment of time. I see humans moving so fast that most just missed that moment. I wish I could press the pause button from time to time, to enjoy that moment when my boys wanted to show me something they found on the street while walking or to look at the funny looking thing in a distance. It may seem that I might have some regrets of passed moments, but then again, doesn't anyone?
One thing that I have no regrets about, was to force myself to put aside me, to savour the moment with them. Just doing nothing together. Talk about nothing. Sit by each other and watch tv. Read together. Have disagreements with each other. I find these moments precious and I would not change it for all the gold here on earth, or the diamonds in the universe, for those moments.
People want to always strive for goodness, for perfection, to be better than the other person. Sure. We could aspire to be better, but deep down do we really need perfection? What is perfection? To be better than the other person? To what end? Are we just not enough? Why are we so worried about what others think about us? To me, what other people think about me is really none of my business, as long as I haven't done anything to hurt them physically, emotionally or mentally. Well hopefully... As they say, no kindness goes unpunished. Someone, somewhere will always have to pay for the price of such kindness.
People always say that they want a better world for their children and their children's children. Sure, we can aspire for a better future for our children. But for our children's children? That's too far ahead for me, and it will no longer be my responsibility nor concern. Call me selfish, I don't really care, as that time I'll be long gone to care about being the accused or the excuse for any possibilities of the outcome of their lives, good or bad. What I know is the now, just with what I have, in this moment, to work with for the near future. The far future will have to worry about it and take care of it themselves.
And then just like that it's already 2021..... And what shall it hold, I wonder....
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